home tomorrow

i have felt so emotion filled all day long but its an emotion that is hard to explain. i feel sad to leave, but anxious to get home and get the "leaving" over with. last night we hung out on the roof with everyone and this morning was filled with finishing packing, then tals, zo and i went for shakshuka one last time (rach left yesterday [saying goodbye was awfully sad] and mia was getting ready to leave) and then i went to the artist fair one last time. i hung out with the other girls and said goodbye to mia and zo...cried and cried.

after that i just felt so anxiety ridden almost and i just felt like i couldnt even bring myself to go sit on the beach with some people so i went to the gym to try and clear my head. its strange. on my last day i feel guilty not running around the city but i really just want to relax and be with my thoughts and almost cocoon until it is time to get on the plane back home. i think i may be in shock actually that this is all over.

for shabbat we had dinner on the roof and hung out for a couple hours. a group of people went to the movies but i need to wake up at 4am for my flight and i felt the need to reflect more so tals and i are hanging out and we are going to watch when harry met sally.

when i think of my time here it was one big roller coaster of emotion. i could wake up in the morning and walk outside and think that this is where i belong...i feel comfortable....i ask someone something in hebrew and i understand what they say back...i get a call on my phone from one of my girlfriends and meet them for an israeli breakfast at lunch time...i look out at the beach and realize there isnt a more beautiful place in the world, i challenge myself in the way i view life and i feel like i am succeeding..

and then i run into someone, or someone yells something to me in hebrew i dont understand, or i walk into a store and cant find what i want to eat because i can't find what i like written in hebrew, or i want to call all my family and friends back home but dont have the minutes on my phone to do so, or i think of the future and what may or may not happen and i feel so uncomfortable and scared.

then i go back to feeling as though life can't get better here. its like that almost everyday. one thought thats amazing and one that pulls you out of your comfort zone.

i guess i cant wish for anything more. to be able to feel in your zone and out, and to feel forced to figure this life out because all around you it is so uncertain and unfamiliar is one of the most heart wrenching but most refreshing feelings imaginable.

i feel like a better person after coming to israel. i feel more fulfilled as a person, i feel more loved, i feel more loving, i feel more knowledgeable, and i feel like i have learned more so i can give back to the world more.

im not sure if i will write more after this. kristen sent me a quote awhile back that always gives me chills and encompasses the journey i have been taking and many people are as well. i almost dont trust that i am moving back home to california, because it has been 5 years, but its happening and i am scared and excited and terrified and thrilled all in the same breath.

We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time. -TS Eliot