strong again

I have become best friends with my bed the last 3 days. Thursday morning I woke up not feeling well, went into work, and by 3pm couldn't stop shaking from the chills and lost all my strength and had to go home early. Since Thursday at 3:30pm until Sunday morning I was in my bed with one of the worst fevers/illnesses I think I ever had. My fevers would get so high I could just lay still in bed and stare in front of me, and when they would break I would be sweating rivers. My roommates were some of the best friends and nurses though and I'm not sure I could have felt better without all of their nurture. When I was sick I also kept getting anxiety that I was missing out on 3 days in Israel and I only have two more months here which feels like the sand in the hour glass is flooding out. 

Today i felt like a new person. i woke up not feeling to great, but then i got going and went to a cafe to study hebrew for a little over an hour. After I met Mia for coffee and she just so happened to be going to the volunteer center (where she does her internship) to get placed as a "babysitter" for one of the apartments just like the one I went to with Brian. I tagged along with her and now we are going to be watching immigrant and asylum seeker kids monday and tuesdays for two hours each day. I feel SO much better--like I can breathe again.

after that we went for sushi then walked down sheinken street, which has some of the best shopping in tel aviv. we went into this french store that is amazinggg with designer dresses from all over (not well known designers). i've really been trying to restrict my spending but i found a dress that fits amazing, and although i know i shouldn't, i think i am going back tomorrow to get it. i can hear it calling my name from my apartment.

yom hazikaron (the remembrance day for the fallen soldiers) began today at sundown. at 8pm a siren is sounded for everyone to hear for a minute, and when it sounds everything stops. We were standing on the sidewalk and the second it sounded all of the cars stopped and the drivers got out to stand next to their door with their heads bowed, everyone walking in the street froze in place...it was as if someone pressed the pause button. As the siren sounded in the air, I was overwhelmed with the magnitude of sadness this day carries. And as awful as it is, i  felt like the siren was sending a wisp of the tragic deaths through the air for the entire minute--then the sirens stopped and the cars zipped by again.

after we went to a memorial in rabin square where there were speeches, musicians, and videos.i couldnt understand anything they were saying (except for the occasional "again" "and" " me", etc) but we stayed for an hour and a half. one our way out we maneuvered through the crowd and all of the israelis were singing along to the song of the artist on stage. it was extremely moving to see how united they all are, but also devastating that one of the causes of this bond is so much death.

tomorrow at 11am another siren sounds, and then in the afternoon it turns into Yom Ha'atzmaut which is Israel's Independence Day and supposedly there are parties everywhere. 

Now I'm in bed and I need to summon the energy to go wash my face and change into pajamas to get some sleep. Tomorrow I am going to buy a dress that I shouldn't and study more hebrew.

love,

sara

p.s. i feel like i haven't posted any pictures in awhile, and i've been bad about taking pictures when i am out and about during the day. SO here is just a random one of me and the girls.

An hour with refugee children

Last night Rachel and I went out to dinner with Brian--one of our friends from birthright. He's on a program in Israel where he volunteers in different areas for a year. I told him how I have been trying to get involved in some sort of volunteer work for awhile now but my program hasn't been very helpful. Being that wonderful friend that he is, he told me to meet him at the central bus station the next day (where he would be for Ulpan) and he would take me to the office that organizes different programs for volunteers, specifically for doing work with refugees.

Around 11am I went to meet him. We went to the office but the volunteer coordinator wasnt in so I got her card which felt like one step closer to getting something set up. After that, Brian said we should go to a woman's apt that he volunteers at each week because he wanted to say goodbye to the kids (hes going to Jordan for the next 9 days).

He warned me beforehand that the apt is next to a house where russian prostitutes live. We walked down a street that had cars blocked off, made a right into a small alleyway, past the prostitutes and to a gate that said read "CHILDRENS GATE". For some reason, passing the prostitutes jolted me to realize where we really were, and where these kids actually are, and the life that they are forced to lead, and the type of environment the children are surrounded in. It's one of those moments where the bubble I live in is popped open and the cold air of the harsh world comes rushing in. It not that I do not think about how awful the world is, and who needs help, but it is easy to put on blinders and spend a day going to the beach or to the coffee shop and not help. If people need help why aren't we all out there every day helping? Why do I feel like "I need a break" after an 8 hour day of running an event at the Intercontinental and come home to watch a movie? Is to help just every once in awhile a fulfilling, meaningful way to live or do we all have hardships and while some are obviously worse than others we are just trying to do the best we can do--so once in awhile ends up being enough? Or is that just an excuse?

All of these children are not recognized by the state of Israel since they are refugees (asylum seekers is the proper term) or immigrants. 

We opened the gate, and walked in to a back yard type of patio which was fairly large. To our left was a little walk way that was covered by an awning and along each wall were cribs or car seats with a child, around 1 year old, in each one (5 toddlers total). We walked into the apartment where there were 6 kids around 3-4 years old playing and in the other room were the 2 women who live in the apt and they were in a room with all of the infants. 

This day care is through Mesila, a volunteer organization here, but it is in a way illegal. A woman, from the Philippines, lives there and during the day refugee or immigrant's drop their children off here when they go to work (where they typically work 16 hour days). Volunteers come every once in awhile but majority of the time I believe it is just these two women with 20 children to take care of. 

The 3-4 yr olds ran up to Brian when he saw them. We took them outside to the backyard and played with them for about 30 minutes. Majority of the children were from Philippines, but a couple were from China and Turkey. The children were beautiful, full of life, and heart warming. After 30 minutes Brian asked if I wanted to check on the toddlers. I didn't even think about it at first--its as if the severity of the situation doesn't set right away.

I walked to the covered area and one toddler was standing up in his crib, a few were sleeping, and one strapped into a car seat was staring up and smiling at me. I bent down, started talking to him, and he was playing with the strap holding him in so I unhooked it and picked him up (I think his name was Jan). All I wanted to do was hold him for as long as possible. I looked down at a little girl in one of the car seats and tried smiling at her, touching her, giving her attention but she still looked at me with a blank stare. She was already gone, in another world. I wanted to take her home with me and try and bring her back to life. It hit me at that moment that this IS their life. Their life, at a year old, is to be dropped off at this apartment and be placed into a car seat or crib and be trapped there for the majority of the day without affection, or touch, or love, or any of the things that these children deserve and should have a right to. They are helpless.

I carried Jan around for 20-30 minutes while playing with the other kids. Jan could walk a bit so he ran around in the sunlight and I had never seen such a huge smile on someone's face. After an hour Brian said we should head out because he had to get back to Ulpan. At this point, I realized I would have to strap Jan back into his car seat and leave him there. It was heartbreaking. At that moment I felt like I just wanted to devote all my time in Israel to coming to this apartment and nurturing these children. Jan put up a bit of a fight when I tried strapping him, but he calmed down after a minute. We said goodbye to the kids, and one of the girls that Brian is very close to (she is probably 2 years old) started hysterically crying and clinging onto him. 

It kills me to think that this is their life, and what's even harder is to think that majority of them don't have a chance in the world. They were born into this life, and now living here without even being recognized by Israel, how can they ever not be invisible? Asylum seekers coming to Israel is a new situation so hopefully they will get their act together and start putting something into place as soon as possible to help them.

I can't stop thinking about those kids and what I can do to help. It is one thing to know that this is a child life, or hear about the hardships people have, or hear about war, or discuss refugees, but it is another to come face to face with it. I am going to contact Mesila tomorrow and hopefully I can begin volunteering like Brian does each week. 

After we left we grabbed a quick lunch and then I came back to my neck of the woods. I went for a run along the beach, hung out at home a little, and had an early dinner with Mia. Tonight starts Yom HaShoah (holocaust remembrance day) so everything has shut down in the city...including the movies (shocker). It has been a long day and I am exhausted. Tomorrow I go back to work. Below is a picture of the flags at half mast for Yom HaShoah. ok ok I took this picture from Wikipedia, but I felt like I needed an image and didn't have one, so thank you Wiki.

i played soccer

last night we had a beautiful shabbat dinner on the roof with about 20 other people from the program. the food was amazing, i think i probably ate a whole loaf of challah, and it was good company. i fell asleep around 2:30am per usual, woke up and started the day.

Talia, Adam, Mike, and I decided that we wanted to play soccer. I am pretty sure I haven't played soccer since I was 5 (where I faked an injury most of the time so I wouldnt have to play). Outside our apartment building is a basketball/soccer court. We got to the court and there was a group of Israeli kids hanging out getting ready to play, so they invited us to join their game. Talia and I pretty much looked like the most uncoordinated beings on this court, however I somehow scored 2 goals. I think one goal all of the guys cleared out of my way, but the other goal I actually stole the ball from somewhere and scored. I'm still not sure how this happened, because I think I blacked out once I got the ball.

A handful of the Israelis we were playing with were only about 12 years old haha. It felt SO satisfying to be playing soccer with Israelis. It was exactly what I needed because I woke up this morning thinking about how much I didn't want to just lay out in the sun and I needed to do something that felt productive or do something that was a new experience. The kids said they play every Saturday at 1pm so I think we are going to try and go every week. I'm playing sports? whhhhaaat?

looking for the great escape

This morning I woke up at 10am (I went to sleep around 3am) and felt like I couldn't get out of bed. I kept thinking about how I had work in the afternoon, so I just wanted to lay still and freeze time. 

I haven't been studying my Hebrew lately, which really has been getting to me. Its funny how the things you really dont feel like doing end up making you happy once you actually start doing it. I brought a sheet of paper with me that has the sounds of all of the Hebrew letters with me to the gym, so I began to memorize them as I was on the elliptical.

I went to work at 3pm and throughout the day I would try reading the signs in Hebrew and ask Peter (who I walked around with a lot today. Hes kind of like Daniel #2) if I was sounding everything right. Its hard here because they dont use the vowels so you can only tell what the sound is by the word, but since I don't know the words I always end up sounding like I am a 2 year old Israeli baby that can't speak.

Tonight there was a dinner for about 400 of the hotel guests to celebrate the 7th day of passover. Nothing very exciting happened except that a lot of the guests were from the States. I always feel so excited to say "HELLO" in my thick California accent and bond over being a foreigner together. Tomorrow is another dinner and on Thursday there is a cocktail event for the richest man in Israel. 

Its almost 2:30am here. I can never seem to go to sleep before 2am which results in me sleeping in late. grrr.

lyla tov.

Budapest

The glorious 5 days in Budapest with Kristen have come to an end. I flew back to Israel yesterday morning and now I have the apartment to myself until Wednesday when my roommates come back from Istanbul. As much as I miss them dearly, it feels amazing to have a place to myself.

Lets see. So Budapest. What can I say? If I did a play by play of everything this blog entry could go on for centuries. I shall highlight the main observations I had and most entertaining experiences in a top 10...

1. When Kristen and I saw each other at the airport we hugged, laughed, and cried a bit. It was as if this huge wave of relief came over me because I was seeing her and it was someone from back home. The best word to describe it would be comfort.

2. Our hotel was in the beautiful castle district on the Buda side of the city. We talked to our concierge there every day picking his brain on how to get places, and we went back to the hotel every day around 5pm to take a quick nap before we went for our late night, long dinners.

3. The bathroom in the hotel room was like luxury because it was a REAL shower. I didnt have to mop the water from the shower into the drain once I was finished (like I have to do in Israel).

4. Kristen and I both felt the people in Budapest were a  bit cold. They rarely smiled and acted as if we were bothering them a lot of the time. We asked a few locals, who were friendly, what they attributed it to (perhaps that communism only ended a few decades ago?) We received varying answers and still need to do detective work. 

5. One night we went out with the manager of a restaurant we went to and his friends. They took us to this amazing bar and we drank some local hungarian alcohol (shots of it). Kristen and I could handle the 4 shots....the guys, not so much. Perhaps hungarian men need a lessen on how to handle their alcohol? They also took us to this "dance bar" that played all 90s music which typically is a dance party for the ages, but they danced with one finger pointing in the air and mostly it just felt awkward. After we met a guy outside who moved to Budapest from Australia so we all had a hot dog from the hot dog stand and discussed our views of Budapest.

6. The city is BEAUTIFUL. We took a night boat cruise down the Danube on our last night. It was one of those moments where you know you are in an amazing place, and it is breathtaking but it is so beautiful it hurts and the pain doesn't hit you until after the moment has passed and you reflect on where you were an hour, a day, or a month earlier.

7. I didn't realize, until I was in Budapest how hard Hungary was hit during the holocaust. Kristen and I went to the Jewish District one day and to the Holocaust Museum. Going to the museum had a similar effect on me as the others I have been to: sick to my stomach, confusion, hurt, anger, shock, helplessness. However with all of the emotional drain it felt important to be there, understand what happened in Hungary, read the stories, and pay respect with my sorrowful thoughts.

8. We found a mexican restaurant and I had a bean and cheese burrito. In order to understand the importance of this I must confess I have been craving a burrito for over 2 months now. It was indulgent and amazing. Afterwards Kristen and I felt sick haha so we went to a nearby park and laid in the grass. 

9. Our days were filled with walking around and getting to know the city, and our nights were filled with late dinners with wine and dessert while we sat outside.

10. Spending the time with Kristen really made the trip what it was. No matter where I am, I know that if I have someone I love like Kristen with me everything will be meaningful, thrilling, and full of life.

Before Budapest I had to work the night before and help set up for the massive sedar they were having for the hotel guests. I had to pour pepper into shakers for over an hour, I couldn't stop sneezing, I was itchy and when I came home and took a shower the water made the pepper burn on my face. Also, when I came home I felt similar to how I did after I came home from a day of waitressing back in the day. I felt defeated. It wasn't even that I had someone upset with me, or I wasnt doing my job correctly (how can you pour pepper wrong?) but I believe it is the act of doing something where you know you arent at your full potential. Defeat.

I pep talked myself though and there are positive things about this job of course: I really like the people I work with, I get to see a vast amount of different events, I learn how the back of the house works, and I am submersed in another language. I hope that as the time goes on I can come home and feel good about the day, every day. I do believe it is all in my head though, so I just need to be positive--I just wish it wasn't so difficult to be positive sometimes.

Since I've been back in Tel Aviv I have been hanging out with my friend, Mike a lot and others on the program who didn't go away for the week. Some friends just brought me back a magnum ice cream bar as a surprise and I now feel content to go to sleep. 

Dreams of chocolate. mmm.

Weekend

Day 2 of not having a day of work in a row...done. My feet would be feeling better already if I didn't pull my muscle in my leg dancing at the club last night (but worth it). On Thursday the program took us to Haifa, which is about an 1.5 hours from Tel Aviv. It was gorgeous. Below is a picture of the Baha'i Gardens. According to wikipedia its described as the 8th wonder of the world. It was breathtaking but it was one of those days where none of us felt like touring. We also went to a mosque and elijah's tunnels.

The mosque was interesting. One of the mosque's representatives spoke to us about how the muslim religion is

based on peace, but the media just shows the extremists which isnt a proper representation. A lot of the people on my program, i think, just rolled their eyes at him, some people were receptive, some were passed out asleep. It was nice to hear another point of view, instead of the harsh criticism of the muslim religion. I thought, after hearing him speak  that people in my group should have been more sensitive, since we experience a negative portrayal of Israel in the media a lot as well.  In some ways we have a lot in common--everything shouldnt be just black and white. How can have peace if we defend ourselves when it comes to how we are represented in the media but then buy in to what the media says about "the other side"? Its a two way street.

We got back to Tel Aviv around 7, had dinner and then got ready for the night. The girls and I felt like dancing, per usual, so we went a club called Tel Aviv at the namal (namal is the port in hebrew). It was, once again, a fabulous night of dancing. The picture of me, rachel, and shawn who I went to highschool with but now lives in Israel and plays on their basketball team.

This morning (more like afternoon) the girls and I went to our favorite shakshuka place and then went to an event called "out of egypt". It was an event for the refugees living in Israel, mostly from Sudan. Israel doesnt have a refugee policy yet so it is a very difficult life for them here, even after they have escaped serious human rights violations in the home countries. Many of them end up in jail because they don't have residence papers and they risk being deported back to their home country. The whole time I was there, we were walking around, dancing to the african music that the band played, and I felt overwhelmed with wanting to help. I didnt really talk to any of the refugees, and I didn't know how to help, or how I could make a difference. Its heartbreaking to think what they have all been through (I suggest reading the book They Poured Fire on Us from the Sky). 

Tonight I didn't go out. Once we got home for Out of Egypt I took a nap, then went to get dinner, and since then I have been lying in bed. Unfortunately, tonight my clothing rack fell apart! My clothes almost all fell on the ground and Alex (friend from upstairs) was the unfortunate one standing next to me to try and fix the damn thing right before he was going to go out. I think it is unfixable and I shall be forced to a buy a new one tomorrow. dang.

Tomorrow I am going to read, hopefully practice guitar (yes, I bought a guitar but I suck and I'm also not good with practicing on a regular basis. I really just want to learn how to play weepies songs and sing them), go to the gym, and maybe go to the beach. Tomorrow night is a huge concert which is one of many parties to celebrate the 100 year anniversary of Tel Aviv. Sunday its back to work. Wednesday its finally time for Budapest with KRISTEN.

Time for sleep.

Lyla tov.